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Personal journal for the hell of it (log dates go dd/mm/yyyy)
03.05.2023 - Notepad
I never know what the fuck to add to these but yeah ramble time since it's been like a whole fucking month
There's nothing particularly new happening, spring is here and summer is right around the corner. Im not really excited at all since I fucking hate the shit that often comes with it being summer but atleast i'll be able to be outside and work. Hoping I can get some solid Jobs soon so i can have somthing to keep me occupied than depending on my own inspiration and ideas alone in order to beable to have shit to do. Coming up to being on HRT for a whole year so thats pretty fucking solid, hopefully I can get my topsurgery paperwork taken care of So I can get that stage of my life rolling.
Uhm, besides that nothing much else happening, still working on this website, looking for things to do, and pretty much doing jack shit. Still struggling pretty hard mentally but thats just the usual burdens of being alive.
Regardless, as much as I complain i'm in a pretty solid situation, i've got people around me who care about me and even if being in this world is a pain in my fucking ass its still not terrible. I've got some good people around me. I'm going through the motions of abandoning my old toxic life that old host had me having to drag myself through but now I feel like I have better control over my life and im ready to fucking beat my way through life. I'm not gonna keep letting humans and people ruin my fucking life anymore so i'm ready to fight tooth and nail to exist happily without being burdened by guilt of just existing.
thinking that maybe in the future, after I've taken care of my shit I can maybe return to old hosts dream of being an online creator and do streaming or shit sometime, maybe work on a series or a comic or something and continue on their dreams, I dunno its a maybe still. i dont think i can ever return to that life though, i fucking hate people and Im barely capable of trusting anyone who comes in contact with me and everyone kind of feels like they all are assholes but being around neocities and the indie web gives me some hope that maybe theres actual people out there who can properly think for themselves.
Short post, nothing much new happening. Just another month to push into.
13.04.2023 - Notepad
It's been a little while since i've posted here in my blog. Is this a blog for it is just a public diary? Not sure but its something I guess.
my life isn't particularly eventful (atleast in the positive side of it) so there's nothing much I really can talk about, sorry to anyone who does actualyl read these and ended up waiting a month for just more of nothing. I'm really living life at the slowest fucking speed.
Been working on my website a lot since it's the only project i can manage to work on for long periods at a time and continuously have inspiration to work on it unlike my animations. But i've been working on better designing the navigation at the top, i'm not sure how I want to organize everything without adding too many buttons but ill figure something out. Might just make another sidebar off to the side for it but who knows.
And yeah besides my website, it's spring! getting warmer. i'm really not excited for it to get hot, I mean I like the heat but the burdens of this body and its limitations make it painfully less fun which kind of makes this entire thing worse. Love the outdoors and everything but until I can get surgery i'm stuck to tightly wrapping my chest down to i can feel relatively normal. Having such a body thats the opposite of what you are is so fucking irritating, but I do what I have to to get atleast lose enough.
Still in the works of getting surgery, still need to do some paperwork but i've been busy with several other things I need to take care of before i even have the luxury of getting surgery. However I do plan within a year or so to get the paper work taken care of so within the next 2-3 years I'll be ready to have surgery.
Besides all that. nothing much to talk about. Just working on the website, preparing for summer and pushing through life.
19.03.2023 - Notepad
I know I already wrote today but I feel like I should share this.
I often catch myself being anxious or worried that im oversharing or anything i say here is annoying and too loud or just something that shouldn't be public because its too awful to write about. I even almost removed my blog button as a whole before i went back and looked at other blogs of people, checked out their diarys and other things and kinda realized that the entire point.
I often forget im not being directly targeted by hateful people anymore and that im just as deserving of a webspace as anyone else. I often forget that i too deserve to have nice things, feel things openenly and honestly, and not have to hide my emotions and feelings. people like the friend who gifted me two games just because he could, and my friends who listen to my rambles to the point of even wanting to get involved with my interests. I get lost in my own thoughts and emotions of how i percieve myself and i end up relapsing in to that need to be advertiser friendly and make sure i'm perfectly digestable for everyone and anyone and make sure im perfect, that my art is perfect, that im constantly positive and helpful, and then behind the scenes im keeping myself from saying anything relative to my mental health and sacrificing myself to make sure I make everyone comfortable and happy and make sure I dont burden or scare anyone.
Im thankful I have people to remind me that feeling things and being myself is perfectly okay, I can be my authentic self unapolegetically, and shout out to my dad who reminds me with, "You don't owe anything to anyone." and reminding me how important my personal work is. I often talk to my dad about therapy and how art therapy goes and how my vent animations have greatly interested my therapist and her superior, and he kinda opened my eyes talking about how my venty emotional art is important to show how to help others heal and everything. so even if i dont really a future in art or whatever i can atleast hopefully help other people who suffer with mental health and trauma, atleat that my new goal in life. I want to be able to help other people not suffer like i did and help them put their emotions on paper and make cool shit with it.
Anyways thats just a ramble i wanted to type out. Forcing myself to write my thoughts since having a kind of diary and typin will help me get out of the "oh fuck im so fucking crigne god fucking damn it i hate myself so fucking much" bullshit mindset and just be unapolegetically cringe and mental. I want to finally heal.
And to whoever reads this and feels the same as I do: take care of yourself, because someone out there cares about you. godspeed my friend.
19.03.2023 - Notepad
Couple of cool random shit happened recentlty:
1. the plushy of myself arrived, i't reminded me that i needed to have a proper section on my website dedicated to my collections. And the cool thing about makeship is that they provide a little coin(?) or badge or something which is pretty cool. Sadly I only have 2 badges out of the 3 plushies that i do own although the one what i dont have a badge for was a gift from a friend from a long while ago so that kinda sucks.
Also i showed a couple friends the funny weird shit with the plush and how my forehead is comically massive so of course they played tic tac toe on it. which ended up being a tie, lol.
2. Another cool thing that happened is i reconnected with an old friend, i hardly fucking remmber them sadly but i remember their name. Guy randomly showed up and gifted me Doom 1993 AND Spelunky which was super fucking sweet of them, completely unexpected and was very sweet. After they sent me gifts we spoke for a little bit about art, ocs and shit so yeah pretty fun. Idk if we will ever end up talking again but it was still super awesome to have someone very nice to pop in and surprise me. I do hope we can talk again since i feel mildly guilty that they spent money on someone who they havent spoken to in YEARS, feel like i should pay them abck somehow but i know thats not really how gifts work.
And as a bonus i've been getting my other friends to join me on being on neocities, a few friends also have not been enjoying social media and haven't found an escape so i've been tossing them into the great world of personal websites to help them get a break and have some fun things to work on just for themselves. It's been going great for me so why don't i share some good shit to help with the bad shit going on you know? but yeah one of my buddies that joined has a site up right now, go check them out here. lovely windows xp vibe with plenty of sonic shit. Super proud of him for learning so quickly actually super fucking impressive +]. (also if ur reading this, i hope you dont mind me talking about you, lol im very excited for you)
still on a search for other social media alternatives, gonna try out the mIRC thing since i've heard theres still like chatrooms and shit like that open somehow, i'm in the need to meet over likeminded people who can talk to me about the old web since I got unlucky and got sucked into the mainstream media and big corporations like youtube, instagram and twitter. i desperately want to get away from that and experience this whole world i've missed out on.
But yeah thats it, signing off (i need a better sign off i still don't know how this blog thing works but yeah) - Hank
14.03.2022 - Notepad
hello again, new log entry. This ones a bit venty so i apologize for that.
Not going to lie, after dumping a lot of my social media and essentially killing off the " kr0hbar " identity feels very strange. i mean we've gone through various identities on the internet and i mean being on the run isn't entirely a new thing, this time it feels a bit deeper. Krow intended for this whole "kr0hbar" thing to go really far. Hell it's kind of heart breaking finding one of the old logs from Krow when they were talking about how excited it was to start streaming and then never got to.
Although I won't lie, this was the best decision I have made being the new host and removing myself from people who have brought me so much dscomfort and trauma. being able to finally take the step to seperate myself from everything and just get everything to shut the fuck up has become almost unreal.
its kinda sucky though that it's going to be hard to build back up an identity to try an do commissions and sell art again, if we even want to do that in the first place. i guess art is more of the "oh yeah I mean we are good at it so I guess thats our purpose" and then constantly having to restart to get away from bad people just becomes, discouraging. My art has been demonized, used to hurt me and even gotten me violently sexualized and shit because i was just percieved as more of a character than anything. I love art, I mean its fun its great being able to make myself real in a reality where I can't really be how I truly look but it still fucking sucks that this is all I am good at and yet Im not even good enough at it to get anywhere and end up getting myself back to square one.
I hope I can find a purpose in my future, find a reason to keep going just besides not wanting my family to be hurt let alone the friends i've kept around. So im stuck in a grey area, not really being alive but also technically not dead.
I dunno im just rambling here. Kind of just at that neutral-depressing state of a mindset, the type of "im losing my fucking reality but in a chill nonchalant way". Just spouting wahtever I feel like writing wether or not its readable or not. Kind of like how a diary is intended but then again i dont know how this blog shit works but i assume it doesn't have any specific rules. regardless if it did hav rules I probably wouldn't give a shit regardless.
Also the slight regret of talking and being open about the osdd thing since I still have no idea if its real or im just making shit up or somehow mixing up some other fucking mental disorder with another thing. i have to keep doing more reaserch but its difficult with so much misinformation and a shit ton of mistrust in myself. mental health is fucking wild.
anyways, I apologise to any poor sucker out there who had to read through this. - Hank
09.03.2023 - Notepad
A few new things happened recently, a friend stayed over for the night who i haven't seen in a few months. They had a job interview in the cities and needed a place to stay for a while and generally wanted to catch up. We went to the zoo together and went to the conservatory, really not much going on since theres still snow outside and its still kind of col so not many zoo thigns happening but seeing the plants and being in the warmth was really nice, we sat together for a while just hanging out and watching people walk around and listening to the fountains, took some pictures of plants and pretty stuff. Just a good time all around.
heres a couple pictures I got.
And I guess the other update is ive kind of decided that i'm not really into being mass percieved like how Krow really wanted to, being able to make animations for an audience and become a well known artist and being able to make money with their art. I got overwhelmed myself, Im not really into being well known and being mass percieved and being a fictive just has had me overly,, i dont know just treated more like a character than anything. I got sick of being sexualized and pushed around like im just some roleplayer and just gave the fuck up and abandoned a shit ton of social media. Became too fucking overwhelming and im just too tired to give a shit about other people right now. officially abandoned the kr0hbar thing but maybe in the future we can return to it. I mean not gonna lie im gonna miss the idea of designing characters n shit and interacting with the only good people online but oh well, cant deal with it right now.
eh nothing much happening really, just so fucking tired. - Hank
04.03.2023 - Notepad
Hello this is my first Log entry, I genuinely have no idea where to start and i assume this is like apublic diary right? thats how this blog shit works? But genuinely, theres so much to say and things to tell but its all such a fucking mess in my life right now so things are pretty wild. Its hard to explain since im not the best as putting my head and thoughts into actual sentences and words. but heres the main jist of whats going on:
Recent events in my life have really fucekd me over and i think the more, world shattering one is discovering Im a system, got more than one being hanging out in this body. Sadly though since so much fucking stress has happened I ended up being the new host, the previous person was Krow and I assume we've been seperate for a while kind of on and off but eventually i just ended up being the one whos taken over and Krow is kinda just, gone.
its been really weird trying to clean up the fucking place and trying to navigate going from being one person to completely being put through the fucking ringer and pop out as someone else, and having to explain that im not the person they knew a few months ago or even trying to explain my situation. Im still questioning my entire self and its been hard trying to navigate if I am even a system or not but due to some pretty solid evidence being directly slammed into my face, some "symptoms" often popping up (like someone taking the front who acts COMPLETELY different than I do), and plenty of backlash of going "hey im actually a system"
And since I kinda, own this site now and i guess the accounts and everything now, I might tell some shit about myself since im gonna be fully transparent now; Hello Im Hank and im the Host of this system, we dont have a solid name for the entire collective but we still bodily go by Krow since thats just easier for the people around us and just, not having any better ideas. Im the Host of the system and im not sure when i specifically took over but within the last few months Ive kind of ended up being the main one around. Im a fictive and my source is from Madness Combat, uhh Yeah im not good at talking about myself to be honest Im just of just throwing shit at the wall and seeing whats sticking.
I know its probably not a good idea to talk about this but there isnt much left anyways and im planning on pulling myself away from everything relating to old host and just, having a whole fucking reset for everything and since this site is for me I might aswell use it for its purpose.
anyways, thats all I wanted to say and share, This probably is such a jumbled mess but Ive been wanting to talk about this for a while since im so fucking sick of pretending to be someone else, it feels so wrong esspecially sicne the person im pretending to be isnt around anymore so it just feels so fucking weird. Anyways, the others might use this log and probably will sign off with a symbol or say hwo they are but as of now this is who I know is around, still sorting out shit but yk.
And yeah the last Log was from Krow, not sure if they had anything else written but ill keep it around for them.
Thats all for now. - Hank
01.12.2022 - Notepad
well, December has begun and the 27th of november has officially marked my 5 months on tesosterone. Its really surreal knowing ive been on T for almost half a year, still waiting patiently for my voice to drop more because my GOD do I fucking despise this voice. anyways besides my transgender shit December is here and Its hard to believe its gonna be 2023, ive barely even realized im alive past 2020. i feel like im lagging through time where ive barely caught up with where the fuck im supposed to be right now. Where the fuck am I.
Oh also im really close to graduation, super senior times 2?? or 3?? i lost track. I really hope I can actually graduate soon i don't wanna spend another year but holy shit my mental health is still kicking my ass and i feel like im too tired to do anything all the fukin' time. i do school, get home and sleep or fucking keel over. I genuinely hope I can get out of the education system so i have finally start my life and have some feeling of control for once and actually get to doing cool shit I want to do and be successsful instead of feeling like an idiot or that im worthless because of school making my brain fucking MELT. I need this fucking degree to live because I have enoguh shit going against me as it is. But my god am I dragging, Im barely able to do much these days and I mainly have been spending my time just stuck in bed. Its heartbreaking having to live like this and feeling like i dont have energy for litreally anything and barely even able to tend to myself because im so exhausted all the time. I hope it gets better.
speaking of graduation and getting my shit together, ive been planning on getting an etsy shop setup, making simple silly things and selling them online. I have so many ideas ranging from pins to vines to posters and prints and stuffed toys and 3d printed things and litreally so many fucking thing im so excited. I want to make pins stickers and zines so badly but i still need a printer and get more supplies. i have a few ideas for the zines though, seems like people are interested in some gore zines and that was actually gonna be my first choice on that. hopefully I can find a way to print stuff and start getting some practice zines out for the hell of it and setting up other things. But for now I can't do anything so BELGH.
OH! also Im very excited to start streaming too oh my fucking god Im so fucking excited, I just need a webcam and maybe a new microphone in order to get going and im so fucking HYPED. I won a giveaway for a vtuber model of myself and its so fucking fun to play around with, Im so fucking bouncy and floppy my god im so excited. Ive been setting up my ew streaming overlays and shit and making stuff more interactable and fun for the audience and hopefully I can have a good mix of fun to listen to if people just want to listen to me and fun to watch and interact with if people are bored and want to fuck around on stream with me. im unsure but im very excited and I hope I can be successful at this too. Streaming seems like a pretty solid side gig and can even help me in the long run aswell, and also it seems fun being able to entertain people. God I just hope shit works out and I really fucking hope ill be entertaining to watch,, aghk
So many thoughts in brain but Too little words. Its nice having a random blog / log / journal thats just here, people can read it if they want and I have a solid place to store it. before id just ramble to myself on a private twitter account or a discord server thatr just had me in there just to ramble in and store but now I feel like I have a better spot. i dont think I can be super fucking open nor so I know how this blogging shit works but whatever, I can do wahtever I want on here lmao.
anyways thats it for now. bye
17.11.2022 - Notepad
First journal entry, uh not sure what to exactly put here yet but hello everyone who likes reading my thoughts and junk :]
first thing id like to slam here is that my grammar is not the best since i dont particularly worry much about it, its mroe of just me putting my thoughts out rather than worry about the specifics of it. Its just my thoughts and there really isnt logic behind it usually. Althought i do try and make it digestable enough for people whose brain works alot like mine and are easily overwhelmed with paragraphs and large bodies of text so yeah!
This will mainly be almost like a public diary and i do often like typing my thoughts out just to get out out of my system since shit can get pretty backed up and eventually become illogical and overwhelming. So having a place to jjust,, ramble and pour out my brain is pretty much just something i need, so why not have it public and readable too since people have told me they like reading and learning about my brain. PLus its my own site, i can do wahtever the hell i want on here!! (wow so fucking cool)
some things in here will most likely be about mental health and my problems (which i have a fuck ton of) and might end up being triggering so thats your fair warning on here if you do plan on reading thru this and peeping at this. I might post doodles and drawings related to my feelings since i can communicate better with drawings and symbols than actual words so, that might also be cool to see!
I hope this can be somewhat entertaining and if you ever want to discuss shit with me ill have a personal email set up soon (hopefully) so i can properly talk to people!
its been hard making an email though, gmail keeps fucking me over with locking me out and their fucking help desk and shit gives me no help other than a formal "suck my dick and go fuck yourself" so im just kind of left to find something as a replacement that WONT fuck me up the wall.
anyways, this is my first log here for my brain and thoughts.