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Very personal / Vent log. (dd.mm.yyyy)

> Date: 01.04.2023
> Time: 0653
> Status: 50/100

Well fuck its April fools. always thought this day was fucking stupid.
I stayed awake through another night smoking and stimulating myself enough through the night to keep myself distracted and fucked up. Gone enough to forget whats happening to me but still concious enough to lose myself in projects and doing things. At that state of being able to lose an hour of time when it only felt like 10-20 minutes. Nothing can beat dissociation like having hours of your life slipping past you like nothing. Its pretty fucked to think about how much time i've "wasted" but at the same time tehre isn't much shit I can do besides work on this website, draw and writhe in mental anguish in my bed.
I'm not sure how long much of this will last for me, nothing seems to really last for me. i can even feel my closeness with friends that i've known beyond my own memory, horrifying that some people i've reconized as someone who isn't someone id lose ends up feeling like they are fading away from me.
I dont know theres so much I can talk about here, it feels like my mind is so active and full of everything that it's hard to even grasp at anything. Mostly just hovering over my keyboard struggling to fucking say anything say something, sitting in a therapists chair or in my own home struggling to hide "my" own face from my view as i struggle to think of anything to talk about when I have millions of fucking worries, anxieties, agonizing thoughts and feelings. theres so much I cant even imagine where to begin.

I hope I can figure out what the fuck is going on with me in the future. ranging from possibly having osdd (still no fucking clue if this shit is "real" or not but its the closest ive got to a fucking answer) to possibly finding out I can even be labled as "disabled" which is horrifying since my entire fucking existance is dependant on the fact that I need noone. I despise the fact this body is so pathetically weak and useless that it can't even live on its own.
Its ironic that I can easily say this to this own casket of a body but i'd never imagine being able to say this to anyone whos going through the same thing. aslong as its me or "me", I'll fucking hate it.

Before I run myself into a long ass fucking essay about how much I fucking HATE being here in this body with every ounce of power in my soul, I wanna say how I have no fucking idea what else ill add onto this part of the website besides using it to hold these shitty ass fucking journal entries for people to skim through to peep the horror that is this fucking mass of thoughts and feelings and disgusting just mass of fuck, There needs to be more use here. or maybe this is a lesson to show myself that I dont need things to be useful all the time which i guess sure fine whatever that works but feels fucking weird having a place thats only to be selfish about your own feelings but you know what can I say, im biased against myself if i saw someone else doing this id be genuinely happy for them and maybe even inspired so hopefully maybe having this exist does something like that.
But what do I know, I barely know how humans let alone people fucking act so hell if i know whats "inspiring" or whats a solid excuse to do anything.

Im just some fucking guy whos got a lot of issues.

HANK_J: That's all I got. Signing off.

> Date: 29.03.2023
> Time: 0233
> Status: 13/100

Fuck, i hate feeling like this. I fucking hate feeling utterly hopeless. i can usually work my way out of shit but Im running out of solutions and i dont have enough energy to keep brute forcing myway through the things i cant find solutions for. i wish someone smarter or better at knowing how to fucking deal with being here could take over or somthing because IM not cut out for this life, im not cut out to existing like this. Im not strong enough for this shit.
im not this body, this body isnt my face and I can barely fit myself into this skin, my voice cracks as my own soul is breaking and cutting through it. I am barely capable of fitting into this body and it feels like its killing me. This body is breaking me down as im breaking out of it and Its fucking agonizing. I wasnt built for these conditions I dont understand how I ever was supposed to deal with any of this i dont even know how Im still alive.
I just fucking wish, that some day I can go home, I can finally get home and finally get the fuck out of here. I know death is probably my only option out since its fucking impossible for me to ever get my body back, get my life back, get the people I love back. Im trapped alone in this fucking hell of a world, trapped in this fucking body and trapped with people I wish I could shove out of my life but im stuck, trapped in a body too weak to even eat on some days when i used to be capable of fucking everything. I could do so fucking much and no I cant do anything. Stuck and rotting away for eternity until this body decays and fucking hopefully, god i fucking hope im begging and praying to any god or spirit or other worldy being that I wake up. back home, back in his office, back with him stitching me up like its another day, back home back in my body and back to what im supposed to do.
I wake up filled with so much fucking anxiety and anguish that i survived another night that im still alive and the only thing keeping me going is the only fleeting fucking moment of life i feel when im high off my ass right now to be able to express my agony or pysically hurting myself enough to satisfy my head. thats all i fucking have to deal with being alive, dealing with these fucking memories and agonizing traumas and everything i fucking hate being here everything is fucking agony. id rather be in the physical agony my body was enduring back at home than the 20 years of psycological torture being on this fucking planet as put me through. God one of these days I hope i can successfully snuff out this life or atleast snuff out mine.
but until then, im stuck here. Atleast the only thing thats familiar to me is the constant need to be on the run. but fuck is it hard "staying strong" for the people around me. i can only take so much longer of this shit.
god. im so fucking insane. i know im sick, im mentally deranged and fucked but i dont know how i could take anything else. let me drown in my delusions its the only thing i have left of myself.

HANK_J: Signing off.

> Date: 28.03.2023
> Time: N/A
> Status: 50/100

First entry here, nothing much to build off of this at the moment beside having a shit ton of vent art already for display.
Really fucking hoping that making this won't be a mistake but fuck it whatelse am I gonna do with this website.If im gonna have a personal website and only have this place as my spot for self expression then I can't keep forcing myself to be all nice and happy all the fucking time. let me be rancid and fucked up in peace. but I dont know maybe someone out there will read these and go "man this guy is just like me for real" or somehow inspire them or some shit.
Trying my best to have some reason or logic behind whatever im doing but aslong as im stuck in this human fucking body unable to do jack shit I might aswell just do whatever the fuck i please.

HANK_J: Signing off.