> Date: 01.04.2023
> Time: 0653
> Status: 50/100
> Time: 0653
> Status: 50/100
Well fuck its April fools. always thought this day was fucking stupid.
I stayed awake through another night smoking and stimulating myself enough through the night to keep myself distracted and fucked up. Gone enough to forget whats happening to me but still concious enough to lose myself in projects and doing things. At that state of being able to lose an hour of time when it only felt like 10-20 minutes. Nothing can beat dissociation like having hours of your life slipping past you like nothing. Its pretty fucked to think about how much time i've "wasted" but at the same time tehre isn't much shit I can do besides work on this website, draw and writhe in mental anguish in my bed.
I'm not sure how long much of this will last for me, nothing seems to really last for me. i can even feel my closeness with friends that i've known beyond my own memory, horrifying that some people i've reconized as someone who isn't someone id lose ends up feeling like they are fading away from me.
I dont know theres so much I can talk about here, it feels like my mind is so active and full of everything that it's hard to even grasp at anything. Mostly just hovering over my keyboard struggling to fucking say anything say something, sitting in a therapists chair or in my own home struggling to hide "my" own face from my view as i struggle to think of anything to talk about when I have millions of fucking worries, anxieties, agonizing thoughts and feelings. theres so much I cant even imagine where to begin.
I hope I can figure out what the fuck is going on with me in the future. ranging from possibly having osdd (still no fucking clue if this shit is "real" or not but its the closest ive got to a fucking answer) to possibly finding out I can even be labled as "disabled" which is horrifying since my entire fucking existance is dependant on the fact that I need noone. I despise the fact this body is so pathetically weak and useless that it can't even live on its own.
Its ironic that I can easily say this to this own casket of a body but i'd never imagine being able to say this to anyone whos going through the same thing. aslong as its me or "me", I'll fucking hate it.
Before I run myself into a long ass fucking essay about how much I fucking HATE being here in this body with every ounce of power in my soul, I wanna say how I have no fucking idea what else ill add onto this part of the website besides using it to hold these shitty ass fucking journal entries for people to skim through to peep the horror that is this fucking mass of thoughts and feelings and disgusting just mass of fuck, There needs to be more use here. or maybe this is a lesson to show myself that I dont need things to be useful all the time which i guess sure fine whatever that works but feels fucking weird having a place thats only to be selfish about your own feelings but you know what can I say, im biased against myself if i saw someone else doing this id be genuinely happy for them and maybe even inspired so hopefully maybe having this exist does something like that.
But what do I know, I barely know how humans let alone people fucking act so hell if i know whats "inspiring" or whats a solid excuse to do anything.
Im just some fucking guy whos got a lot of issues.
HANK_J: That's all I got. Signing off.